The Random Crack Fic
by The Incompleter
Summary: In which Fem!Naruto is a kitsune and meets all the Olympian Gods and Goddesses one by one.


Apollo stormed through the forest of Japan angrily; why did no one like his haikus? Poems? Even he could tell from their miniscule actions how exasperated they were—annoyed they were when hearing him talk. Why why why?! What was so stupid about poems? Poems were the muse of God! The inspiring form of literature embodying beauty and wisdom and truth—all in one!  
Yet he could tell how much they disliked hearing his voice—hmph!  
"FINE! IF THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR ME TALK, THEN I FUCKING WON'T!"  
Many birds screeched at the noise and flew away, making him even more depressed. 'Damn it, even birds don't like me—"  
"Kyahahaha, you're so funny, mister~!"  
Eyes widened as he turned to see a cute fox girl besides him—perhaps nine years of age with silkly crimson red hair, fox ears, and a bushy fox tail. Eyes glowed an enchanting blue as she giggled in that melodious voice… he blushed as he realized it was him who was the object of laughter.  
'Eh? Why am I blushing? It's just a kid… a kitsune even.'  
"Ne ne, so you won't talk no matter what? Won't make a single noise?"  
He remembered his rage and stubbornly nodded his head, 'I'm supposed to be angry—angry at them for… eh?'  
"Hahahaha~ S-stop, s-stop!"  
The God of the Sun roared with laughter as she tickled his sides with her petite fingers and fluffy tail—hey, even Gods and Goddesses were ticklish. She grinned with triumph and stopped just before he was going to pass out from going out of breath. He collapsed on the forest floor among the pretty flowers, looking up at the clear sky—and the light that seemed to envelop her body with its elegance. And she smiled brightly—the warm feeling too enveloping him,  
"And now you're happy again~! When you're sad, laugh and everything will be alright! I wanna hear you talk—your voice is so nice, mister~!"  
Apollo blinked, thoroughly touched… no one had ever told him that before. His sister, his family, his past lovers—no one had told him that his voice was nice—that they wanted to hear him talk. Instead, they shunned his poetic side and loud voice.  
"…thank you." And once again, he blinked at how soft and small his voice became… the girl smiling again—he swore at that moment that she became his sun.  
.:oOoOo:.  
Artemis groaned at the hard rays of light that hit her as she traversed through the leafy forest. Why did she have to find her brother—who skipped how many days of duty. Heck, the world was in chaos as everyone ran from place to place searching for light, for the sun…  
And why the hell was it so fluffy and warm here?  
She soon got her answer as she pushed past the leafy bushes to come across a flowery clearing with flowery beauties and flowery backgrounds with flowery air. Even though she liked nature… even she had to be disgusted by the lukewarm feeling…  
Though it was the first time she saw her loud, obnoxious brother so happy and content with the peaceful silence. Not to mention, how into his story that he was telling the little doll-like girl that he didn't even notice her, the quote unquote 'beloved little sister'. Somehow, the whole trip was made worth it… but first the sun.  
Ahem.  
Apollo jumped before grinning at the sight of his beloved little sister, "Artemis!"  
"Don't 'Artemis' me. Do you know how many days of duty you skipped?! New York practically gone under an eclipse for an entire TWO weeks!"  
"Eh? Did that much time pass by? Whoops~"  
"Hmph. Hurry up and get going—you have a responsibility as sun!"  
A killing glare and he eep-ed and ran away, "H-hai, l-little s-sis."  
"We're twins!"  
With that, day turned into night. Artemis sighed in exasperation before turning to the little kitsune, "And you are?"  
"It's polite to say your name first before requesting for another, miss~!" chirped the girl and she smiled,  
"Right. I'm Artemis, Apollo's twin."  
"Narumi~! Your brother's really interesting, miss~"  
"Is he now?"  
"Mmhm, so treat him nicely—he came to Japan in a storm! They may be a bit… weird, but people make poems to be heard and appreciated!"  
"…" The Moon Goddess appraised the kit in a new light at the words… she never thought about that. "…so people make poems to be heard… and Apollo did that… mm, alright."  
"Hehe~! Since it's just you and me now, wanna have a contest?"  
"Contest?"  
"A hunting competition! Who ever can get the biggest prey within an hour~"  
"Hoo, challenging a hunting goddess at her own field? You got some guts, _fox_."  
But Artemis's heart thumped at the thought. No one ever challenged her before—especially not a fellow girl. "Then, ready?"  
She nodded, reaching for her bow…  
"Start!"  
Both disappeared at high speeds and quietly like the calm breezes of wind. Within the hour, Narumi brought a giant Bull Octopus and Artemis a Lycanthrope…  
"I win~"  
"Wha—do Bull Octopuses count?"  
"I never said it had to be in the forest~ Just that it has to be the biggest!"  
"Damn fox."  
Narumi giggled at Artemis's face, proudly professing, "Well, I am a kitsune! We're the best tricksters in the world~"  
They smiled together at the thought… before a hard glint entered each other's eyes. Artemis fingered her arrows; Narumi her claws, "Well, since that competition… didn't work out so well... Let's settle it in a fight of the fittest."  
"Agreed."  
And they fought.  
.:oOoOo:.  
Hermes sighed as he had more work on his back—one day, they all were going to overwork him to death… that is if he wasn't already dying. But really? How irresponsible were his siblings now—to forget their basic duty of delivering day and night?  
Damn lucky bastards—the lot of them! He wanted to be irresponsible like the days of the past—to have a break from the back-breaking, tiring work of being a messenger! Why him? Why did he—the thief—had to do the most work in the end? And he couldn't quit! A sigh once again escaped from his mouth as he flew down to the newly created Sea of Japan…  
Wait—what?  
"Artemis! What the hell are you doing?! Changing the geography just like that?!"  
And both girls before him jumped away from each other, blinking as they realized that they created large earthquakes and tsunamis… and indirectly the new Sea of Japan through the shockwaves from their fight… but first—  
"That was a nice fight."  
Artemis sheepishly agreed, "Yeah, first time I went all out… and why are you here, Hermes?"  
The Messenger God sighed, "Think. How many days has it been since this… _fight_ began."  
"Of course thr—oh."  
"Yes 'oh'."  
"Sorry, Narumi-chan, I have to leave now—see you later."  
"Hai~!"  
And Artemis left to return three weeks of night to the other side of the world. Hermes sighed and was about to leave… but wobbled in the air and fell, 'Yeah… One day, I'm going to die working to death… can't sleep… all those hellish letters… ugh.'

Hermes blinked as he opened his eyes… somehow feeling so light and warm and… full. It was a heavenly feel… as if he slept for days… days… days—crap. He was about to get up right away to get back on schedule, but collapsed; stomach growling.  
"Hun…gry…"  
"Tada, Narumi Express here~!"  
And right on time came an even more heavenly feel—the smell of hot homemade food and an even hotter woman with a voluptuous body—and five bushy tails. But stomach growled and he found himself ravenously eating the food presented to him,  
"Uwa—so delicious—did you make it? It's like the food of the Gods!"  
"Hehehe, thank you~ But do you know what's tastes b-e-t-t-e-r?"  
He glanced up and gulped at her sexy body… until the woman giggled and changed back into a little girl with a single fox tail, "Of course, it's ramen~! Kyahahahaha~"  
"W-w-wh—"  
She giggled even more at the completely blanked out sputtering God, "What~? You thinking something naughty?"  
A full-blown blush spanned across his face, "N-no!"  
"Mmhm~"  
And she hummed as she cleaned up the 'breakfast'. He gazed at her curiously before finally getting up properly, stretching his thoroughly rested limbs, "Do you know how many days I was sleeping?"  
"About a week—you must be very tired~! Work is good and all, but big boys like you should get some sleep once in awhile!"  
"Thanks…" Hermes gazed at the girl, touched that she cared about him. Everyone else just gave him more work to do, more messages to send… "Wait… a WEEK?!"  
"Yup!"  
Rough hands pulled at his hair, "Nooo… I had many important documents and packages and—"  
"Oh, I did those for you."  
"Eh?"  
She threw back his now empty messenger bag, repeating, "I did them for you. You can start your job anew now—just be careful about your body, kay?"  
"…Na—narumi-chan." Eyes watered at the ends as he held her hands as if she was a goddess and he, an insignificant being… until a specific ringtone sounded. One that he knew very well… Demeter's.  
"Oh, I didn't pick up your cellphone though—I thought that might have been invasion of privacy."  
Hermes paled… thinking about all the missed calls… from Demeter… He was going to be so chewed out. But… as he thought about it, the sleep felt so good and worthwhile. And there was no regret in him,  
"Thanks, Narumi-chan! Gotta go!"  
"Godspeed Hermes—I always wanted to say that!"  
Both laughed at the small pun as he ran out, refreshed. It's been so long since he could have such a fulfilling sleep~ As Hermes left, Dionsyus popped in with a semi-bored, semi-excited face.  
.:oOoOo:.  
Dionsyus grinned as he went to his old pal's home, arching a brow as a speeding yellow light flew out… then again, he did have a bloody hangover from last night's drinking party. Now, for his friend's best spirit liquor… the heavenly thing,  
"Narumi-chan~ Got some drinks for me~? Hic."  
Her furry little head popped out of the home, lighting up as she saw him, "Dionsyus! Haha, I got some; I got some~ And I saw lightning earlier—we can go alcohol spring hunting later if you want~"  
"Really? Yatta~!"  
And they both popped open a bottle of liquor and drank it together… The Wine God grinned, 'Probably the only girl in the world with fine looks, fine taste, and fine understanding of me… Bah! The other Gods and Goddesses and Humans know nothing of the wonders of wine! And they're all lightweights compared to me and her.'  
.:oOoOo:.  
Hestia quickly opened the windows of the house, letting all the foul-smelling alcoholic air escape the confinements, which her friend called home. Really what a dirty thing. With that, she shooed away the Wine God and began cleaning the entire place,  
"Narumi-chan, Narumi-chan!"  
"…hm? Ah, Hestia? What are you doing here?"  
"Spring cleaning, of course! Your rooms so… ugh."  
"Hahaha, warui, warui. Here, let me help you."  
And the girl took another broom to clean up. Both girls falling into the peaceful and oddly satisfying act of spring cleaning. Hestia smiled; though a bit crude with her prankster habits, Narumi was like the daughter she never had. And also the only one who offers to help her clean and even—OMG get this—thanks her with gratitude! The other Olympians know nothing of her troubles—just accepting it as Hestia will be Hestia and leaving.  
One day, she was definitely going to stop cleaning Olympus and that'll teach them all how dirty their habits were, how they could never do without her, and how to appreciate her hard work.  
"Hmph!"

Right as Hestia left (finished with spring cleaning) and Narumi was going to the last bit of work of throwing away the garbage, she noticed a cloaked man near the garbage area… and a corpse. A woman's corpse.  
She softened a bit as she walked over, placing her bag of garbage a respectable distance away from the corpse and softly moving forward to kneel and pray for her soul. The cloak behind her shifted a little… and she found herself hugging the man,  
"Are you okay? Was she someone you knew—never mind, you don't have to tell me… just don't keep your tears inside. It's okay to let them all out, mister… to cry is natural. We need to cry to show that we're human… and to shed away our emotions and move on, even if it may be hard. I'm sure that she'd want you to be smiling, mister."  
.:oOoOo:.  
Hades cried… for the first time in a long time. Cried in front of a stranger… in the warm, gentle hands of a stranger. Cried for all his past loves and for his never-changing body. Tears rolled down as he allowed the little girl to hug him with those small, delicate, yet protective hands that brought warmth to his cold skin and icy heart.  
Even with his lovers, touching was strained. He couldn't blame them; he was the God of Death. The Shinigami that dealt with souls and evil… but this little girl didn't care if he had a suspicious black cloak or was some random stranger on the street… she cared for him and… understood him to a level of depths that he never knew before.  
"…are you better now? Want to rest at my home for a while?"  
There was an offer he never knew. Rest… It was always sleep with, not rest. And no one ever asked about the welfare of the God of Death—he was assumed to always be alright. To always be dark and evil and the Big Bad.  
"…yeah…"  
And she quietly changed into her four tails form—a girl in her late teens. Hades widened as he noticed the fluffy tails, smiling as he realized that she was a kitsune. A being with just as bad as a reputation as him. Though the girl didn't seem to be the type to seduce men, rip out hearts to eat, skin humans alive… just the harmless prankster. With that, she carried the dead body like a prince would carry a prince, explaining at his questioning look, "Don't want to leave her out in the cold or open where everyone can see and maybe desecrate the dead."  
Eyes narrowed with understanding. Being a dealer of the dead, he knew what the humans could do with the dead. Few were ever pretty. He extended his rough, calloused hands. She glanced at them before wordlessly complying and letting him hold her. It was the least he could do with his… now past lover.  
"I… know of a quiet clearing where you can bury her."  
He nodded in quiet thanks. After a respectable burial, he entered the little kitsune's home…  
"Here's my dad's former clothes and a towel. Bathroom's two doors to the right and guest room another door down."  
"…thanks."  
She smiled softly, "It's the least I can do for one who respects the dead."  
In the warm bath, he found himself smiling about those words… no one ever said those words as well… 'I… respect the dead.'  
It was small… but something that gave him enough motivation to work in the Underworld for a few more centuries.  
.:oOoOo:.  
Ares slammed the door open to the kitsune girl's house, "YO! NARU!"  
Narumi giggled as she walked out of a room; Hades having left an hour before, "Ah, Ares—have any new wars to fight about?"  
"Hahaha, no." The War God drooped a bit in sadness, "Humans became so dull and peaceful nowadays… it used to be so awesome—ha…"  
Narumi grinned, "So you came to fight with me?"  
"Of course! If I don't fight, then I'll get super rusty—not to mention those asshole Olympians won't let me fight in this realm! Who cares if I change the geography a little bit here and there and kill a bunch of humans?!"  
An image of a cute dinosaur roaring to the world flew into the kitsune's mind as she watched him rant about his family. Of course, she knew that he didn't mean any harm though. If he did, then the world would have been destroyed long ago due to a familial war.  
"Alright—let me set up a sturdy dimension, kay?"  
Ares grinned; this was the reason why he loved the kit so much. She understood his bloodthirsty desires and battlemania—and was the only being that could be his rival and WANTED to be his rival. Not to mention, the only one that knew how to make separate dimensions that they could fight in without another God/Goddess ranting about them.  
"Alright!"  
.:oOoOo:.  
Athena arrived a few days later to the girl's place, ranting about Ares. Narumi watched her with a half-sigh… half-amused face. The siblings are always visiting her place—especially during a war. Then, Ares would want to reenact a fight while Athena debate about strategies or otherwise both would complain about either the lack of violence or the lack of wisdom in the wars.  
"And then, do you know what Ares said… that brutal SOB… stupid…"  
.:oOoOo:.  
Zeus stared at the somehow emptying Olympus… everyone was always disappearing somewhere. First, it was that Ares and Athena and Dionsyus and Hestia… Four of the Gods/Goddesses that would leave once a year to some far off place that he has yet to know. Then… it was everyone, starting from that incident where the sun was gone for two weeks… and later the moon was gone for three weeks and the Sea of Japan was created.  
Ah, Japan.  
Yeah, he stretched as he finally got out of his seat. He was going to make a trip to Japan to see what was so interesting about that little island.

* * *

**LEMON WARNING AHEAD. DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE A PURE AND INNOCENT SOUL. OTHERWISE... WELCOME ;)**

* * *

And he never expected what he saw… a beautiful nine-tailed fox woman with a majestically graceful body and cute fluffy tails that curled around her voluptuous curves. Vibrant crimson hair silky waved down, softly decorating her smooth, ivory skin… and the most magnificent blue eyes that rivaled even the skies itself cutely eyed him. Cute, triangular fox ears perked up at the sight of him…  
He could feel himself harden at the sight; the predator within him chasing after her and kissing those luscious lips hungrily. Large hand roughly held her small ones above her head while the other one squeezed the bouncy breasts with glee. A melodious moan escaped her lips, turning him on even more. He wanted to hear more of those wanton voices and see her squeal with delight with him in her intimately… Just as imagination came, he already stripped off his clothes to match the already naked woman.  
Without hesitation or preparation, he shoved his member into her hole, making her yelp in both pain and pleasure—two feelings mixing together to the perfect euphoria. Zeus groaned at the amazingly heavenly feel of her tight, warm cavern that engulfed his eleven-inch member fully to the hilt. Along with his growing desire for the woman before him came stimulating volts of electricity that tingled her senses and increased the pleasure as well as adding a sense of vibration as he began thrusting his full being into her at an animalistic pace—roughly and quickly.  
Her beautiful voice was music to his ears, encouraging him as he tightly gripped her breasts, penetrated her with his dick, and explored her wet mouth with lust-glazed eyes. And soon, he orgasmed into her, shooting his seed deep within her being and panting… but as he looked down at his work—no, masterpiece—he felt himself harden once again…  
It was going to be a long night.  
.:oOoOo:.  
Aphrodite squealed as she watched the video she took over and over again—she knew something amazing was going to happen when it was a kitsune's mating season. But but—this was too amazing!  
Her father was such a beast!  
She blushed at that thought, glancing around the empty throne room of Olympus in relief… there was only one television and it was there… and now she can watch the video without restraint—  
The door opened as the group of Gods and Goddesses appeared…  
Right at the part where they both cummed together…  
Aphrodite blushed at being caught videotaping a sex scene that included her father but… "In my defense, a Kyuubi's mating season is always so… (blush) SEXY!"  
And all remembered the tales of kitsunes… and Kyuubis…  
Hades blinked, "Sou ka… she was a Kyuubi… how long does mating season last?"  
All whipped their heads to the definitely openly interested Death God, gaping. Aphrodite blushed even more at the thought, "…one month… Narumi-chan's started a day ago…"  
The Death God nodded before leaving… all Olympians stared at him blankly… Aphrodite blushing even more, unplugging the cord connecting the camera to the TV, "OMG OMG OMG, HE'S TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH HER! THAT'S TOTALLY GOING TO BE HOT SEX! DEATH GOD AND KYUUBI—KYAAAA!"  
And Aphrodite ran out with the video camera, squealing with a red face from the excitement. Hey, you couldn't really blame her when she's the Goddess of Love. Artemis, however, was scarred,  
"Little Narumi-chan just did _that_ with father… mating season… Hades…-"  
"Count me in too! If that girl can keep up with me during fights, then in sex—" Ares let out a whoop and disappeared.  
Dionsyus shrugging, "I'm going for the wine… though don't blame me if I get so intoxicated that it becomes an orgy party."  
Hestia sighed, "Can't be helped. It's natural for a Kyuubi spirit to go with either human or fox… I'm going to go clean up this place."  
Athena blushed, "What? You don't care?"  
"Kids grow up so fast…"  
"That's too fast!" shouted the other two virgin goddesses…  
"Hey, where's Apollo?"  
"Hermes's gone too!"

* * *

A/N: The end... and if you actually read this story all the way to here, then I'm _amazed_. That was just random and totally... whoa. Did I just write that? Really?

Oh. And I only read watched the movie of Percy Jackson so far... so sorry if the Olympians are OOC. And about Narumi (Fem!Naruto)... well, I kinda just made her up along the way.


End file.
